Sometimes I feel like I need a ‘writing in progress’ sign, or a button, to put up on my Splendid Life Facebook wall.
This post is a little more ramble, and a little less rhetoric. A bit of thought purge just for the heck of it. Just to let people know I’m alive, kicking, in motion as my Facebook wall remains unchanging – it’s been a week, and for some reason I feel that’s a little long. It’s alright, friends I’m here! I’m ok! I’m still living life! Getting through each day and getting out of the house and doing things.
I do that, you know? Write about things I’m doing, or the way I’m feeling, then don’t post. Put thoughts on page (webpage, that is) and then let it sit, deciding if it really represents how I’m feeling at this very moment or if I’m forcing a façade of a life I’m not living at that point in time. Or if I’m brave enough to put the not so splendid side of my life in a public forum (again).
Oh, and for those who are concerned – don’t worry, I haven’t forced the façade in a while.
I’m saving myself from my own falsehoods and trying to be more honest with myself and true in the way I represent myself to others. When I went quiet on Facebook for a few days (something I’m also trying to break the addiction to – don’t laugh, I have fallen off the wagon a bit this week) a friend asked if I was ok because another of her friends who has suffered from depression always goes quiet when things are bad. I was really touched, and it was really nice that someone was noticing me and thinking about how I was going and going out of their way to make sure I was ok.
The truth was I was not feeling very good about a few things, and I was trying to remind myself that there is more to life than my (probably unnecessary) anxious thoughts. I was feeling like I couldn’t really tell people I was not very happy because they would jump straight to thinking “Oh, she’s depressed! What can we do! We need to fix this!” when that definitely wasn’t the case. Yes, I still get anxious sometimes. But I’m much better at managing it. And things get me down – but who doesn’t have that in life? I will withdraw, I will self-process, and I will be back before you know it. If I’m not capable of doing that by myself again, you will know that too.
So, sometimes that stops me from posting.
What else I find stops me from publishing these days is the repetitiveness I sometimes feel in my posts. Oh look, she read a new book! She bought some new tiny plants! Look at that, she went to another local cafe/market/bar etc etc etc, blah blah blah.
Today, I got called predictable. Not in regards to this blog, but some other action I took. I took offence – how dare he say that? I am NOT predictable! I am constantly going through a metamorphic progression in life! Becoming bigger, better, harder, faster, stronger….and then I stopped. And I thought about it properly. And I decided not to take offence.
When I stopped to ponder it, I decided that being predictable in some things is really not so bad. I know what I want, I know what I like, and I’m not afraid to go do the things that make me happy, just because someone else may judge me on it.
You don’t have to agree with me. I almost certainly don’t agree with you about everything. But I am open to new ideas, and to trying new things, and hearing new points of view. No, I’m not perfect. I’m definitely too vain, too emotional, too conflict-averse (yes, I do know conflict isn’t always a bad thing). But that’s me. I’m not going to apologise for my vocabulary, or my ideas, or my viewpoint on things. Because then I wouldn’t be Emma I’d be someone…else.
So I may just post about another book, or another foodie place, or some more socialising. And every now and then I may post something out of the ordinary. Because that’s my life. Those are the things I love. And this blog is about my life.
So when I go a bit quiet – don’t give up on me. I’ll be back. Maybe slightly more authentic than I was when I left.